What Did I Ever Do To You?
by robert3A-SN
Summary: One shot: Anna always thought it was something she did - or something she was - that tore her and Elsa apart. All she ever wanted was to know what it was, apologize, make things right and prove she could be good enough again. Then Anna realized it wasn't just her who lived that way. Elsanna sisterly angst/feels over 13 years; Anna's POV.


**This may be somewhat thematically similar to my earlier story "Why Do You Hate Me?" But I'm not being completely unoriginal, since this is a rare story of mine that's just from Anna's perspective. You could call it my addition to Tumblr's Anna week festivities.**

She asked the same question in her head almost every time Elsa's door stayed shut. But Anna was too afraid to ask it out loud.

"What did I ever do to you?"

As the years went on, the eternally unanswered question kept Anna up at nights – even more than the loneliness.

Loneliness that had to be Anna's own fault. There was just no way around it.

Anna's memories of open gates, open sisters and an open family seemed to fade more and more – if not get outright blurry. But there _was _a time when Elsa opened her door and heart to Anna. She knew that much.

Elsa had always played with her, always gotten her out of trouble, always protected her and always told her she loved her. She was the perfect older sister and the perfect person, regardless of her title.

No one can stop being that perfect without any warning. Not without a good reason.

Not without someone doing something so wrong, she couldn't be around such a perfect person anymore.

Who else could do something that terrible but Anna? It couldn't be Elsa and it certainly couldn't be their parents. Who else could commit such an unspeakable crime – _literally _unspeakable – in this castle but the clumsy, goofy spare?

It wouldn't be so bad if Anna just _knew _what she did, though.

That's all she wanted. Well, one of the things she desperately wanted. But it all came back to not knowing why she couldn't have them.

Why she lost the right to have them.

Why she didn't deserve to have them now.

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As Anna got older, she got the courage to ask the door what she did wrong. But the door still never answered.

So Anna figured she had to earn the right to know.

She tried not crashing into anything for a month. That wasn't enough.

She tried paying attention to her studies. But no one paid enough attention to reward her the way she wanted.

She even tried not knocking on the door for a few months. Yet she got nothing out of it when she started again.

Every few weeks, Anna tried not to do something that she thought was wrong with her. Anything that might have made Elsa never want to see Anna again. She even asked Mama and Papa to tell Elsa that she was behaving now.

However, Elsa's own silent behavior never wavered.

In that case, if Anna's crime wasn't something she did over and over, it was something unforgivable she did once. It had to be.

She racked her brain over all the bad things she did before the gates shut. Yet for the life of her, Anna couldn't think of anything _that _bad. Nothing in the final few days, anyway. And nothing that Elsa didn't wind up helping her with, or covering up for, in the end.

Was that it? Did Elsa take the fall for Anna too many times?

Well, that could be fixed right away, no problem.

Then after Anna was grounded in her room for a few months – or years, if they just had to give out an even punishment – they'd be playing in no time!

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Anna lost track of how long it took to confess her crimes – at least the ones Elsa took the blame for. But that had to be a good sign. The more she confessed, the more they'd forgive her and pardon Elsa.

"And that's the last time I put a lizard in a maid's pocket, I swear!" Anna finished. "I made Elsa do it with me, and I'm sorry. You don't have to punish her for what I did anymore! And she doesn't gotta punish me, cause I'll never make her take credit again!"

Somehow, Mama and Papa were less smiley than Anna thought they'd be.

"I know, I gotta get punished first," Anna figured. "Three years without Elsa was enough, but I get it. Just one more month should do it, I think. At least let her outta her room too, please."

Somehow, Mama and Papa were less agreeable than Anna thought they'd be.

"It's very mature of you to admit these things, Anna," Papa said. "But I'm afraid it changes nothing. Things still have to be as they are now."

"What?" Anna exclaimed. "But I confessed! I did everything wrong! Elsa's gotta forgive me now!"

"There's nothing you did that needs forgiveness," Mama stated. "This has nothing to do with anything you did. Or what Elsa did."

"Just let Elsa do what she needs to do, and she'll come out," Papa tried to be assuring.

"She never comes out! She loved coming out before!" Anna reminded her. "She wouldn't stop unless she was being punished! But I told you nothing was her fault!"

"We know that!" Mama exclaimed. "We've always known. Nothing was her fault….not really. It's nobody's fault…."

"Then why can't I see her? Why are we being punished if it's no one's fault?" Anna urged. "Why is this happening?"

"Anna….it's for the best. Just trust us. It's for the best," Papa said with 98 percent conviction.

"How is this best?! I don't have my best friend anymore! That's the worst!" Anna yelled. "You only get the worst if you're bad! You and Elsa taught me that! I told you all the ways I was bad already, so can't you forgive me? Can't Elsa just forgive me?"

"She doesn't need to forgive you. She loves you…." Mama said as her voice shook – enough for even Anna to notice.

"You don't believe that! Just tell me what I did wrong, please! What did I ever do to her?!" Anna demanded to know.

Even that wasn't enough. And Anna knew by now that the door wouldn't help either.

So she just made a run for her room and went past everyone.

Mama and Papa at least tried to get inside after that. They at least tried to tell Anna that she did nothing, she was perfect and that everyone loved her.

But this was the first time Anna didn't believe what her parents told her.

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If it wasn't something she did, then it had to be her. Just her. _All_ of her was the problem.

Anna tried to hide from this theory for the next few years. But it caught up to her faster and faster.

No one act could be so terrible for someone to abandon her out of nowhere. So Anna herself had to be that terrible. It was the only thing left that made sense.

As much as Anna tried not to believe it.

She talked to paintings that didn't have a record of lying to her, to imagine _someone_ tell her she was okay – _and _believe it. She went back to crashing and playing around, even if it was what made Elsa shut her out – but at least the noise distracted Anna from thinking about it.

She even stayed quiet when Elsa couldn't make it to family gatherings, and Mama and Papa still said she 'sent her love.' It wasn't Mama and Papa's fault that they had to lie for her like that. If that was how they had to cope, Anna couldn't stop them – as long as they didn't stop her.

But she did a good job stopping herself at night. At least when it finally got too quiet and she started _thinking._ Thinking, wondering, asking, pleading to herself, crying, trying not to be heard crying, begging….

Begging when there was no one there to listen. Yet Anna had to beg to _something_. Even if it wasn't there, at least Anna _knew _why it wasn't answering her.

"Please….I just wanna know what I did wrong," Anna said to no one real in her bed. "I promise I'll never do it again. I just wanna know what it was. I wanna stop and I wanna tell her I'm sorry….I just want her to forgive me and help me do better. I just wanna be a good girl again…."

That's all Anna wanted. What she wished she was all this time, and didn't know how to be again. "I just wanna be good…."

Of course, no one told her how to be good. No one told her why she was bad. No one told her what she ever did to Elsa.

No one came when Anna cried into her pillow. Then again, she was the one trying to keep quiet. That's what it came to now.

The days of rushing into someone's bed after a nightmare or a crying spell - or hoping someone would come in to comfort her, love her and be 100 percent honest with her - were over. It was best for Anna to take what she could get.

Like her parents, perhaps. They didn't want Anna to know how she drove Elsa away. But at least they were still here. They were living a lie, but they were still living it in front of Anna.

Anna wasn't good enough for Elsa. Maybe deep down, she wasn't good enough for their parents. Yet they made themselves stick around her anyway. If she kept bugging them about Elsa, she'd just make them come to their senses too.

Anna didn't need sense of any kind right now. If she merely had parents who wouldn't let her know what she was guilty of….it would have to do.

And it did do. It did just enough to help Anna bounce around the walls again, bounce by Elsa's door quietly, enjoy the family she still had and forget she couldn't have all of it.

Until she lost the rest of it.

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Even now, the door wouldn't open.

Even now, Anna couldn't bring herself to ask why. She could sing it, but when that failed, asking was just too much.

She went to sleep against Elsa's door that night, asking the questions in her head that she wasn't brave enough to ask out loud anymore. The questions she couldn't be brave enough to get no answers for anymore.

No answers about some unspeakable, horrible act Anna committed that made Elsa shut her away, even now.

No answers about why having Anna as family was so much worse for Elsa than having no one.

But at this point, Anna didn't need her for the answers anymore.

No one thing that Anna did could possibly be so cruel to justify this – nothing that she could remember. No one thing that Anna was could possibly be _this _terrible to Elsa. So the answer had to be….all of the above.

Anna as a whole, entire person was that disgusting to her.

But if she was that horrifying, there's no way Elsa could have held it in that long. She would have at least told her how terrible she was, at least once, if she was _that _nauseating. But Anna obviously was anyway.

Or maybe….she was so _inferior_ that it wasn't even worth yelling at her. Or explaining anything to her.

That had to be it. It was the last answer Anna had the strength to consider, anyway. It was the last one she needed, or wanted, or whatever.

She was just too ordinary for someone as perfect as Elsa.

Not special enough to be around with, not evil enough to yell at, and not distinguished enough to even notice. Now that Elsa was going to be Queen soon, what use did she have for Anna now?

Just being dull, ordinary, unremarkable Anna was too much of a crime back then, when she was little. What capital punishment would Anna get for bugging Elsa now?

That was it. Even with no one at all left for Anna to take comfort in, it was how it had to be. No one in Arendelle needed or wanted Anna anymore – not unless they were paid to.

Until the gates opened for Elsa's coronation, it was how it was gonna be. Anna just didn't have enough left in her to fight it. So she'd have to wait it out, be her ordinary self, accept it wasn't enough for anyone here - and wait to find someone out there who might disagree.

Anna was close to accepting it as she got up in the morning. There was just one final word left.

"Okay….I'm gonna go now," Anna told the door. "I'll let you get ready to be Queen. I won't bother you. So you'll be fine, Elsa."

Anna could have left it there and went away with some dignity. But she just had to think about how this was really it. How she really would have no one and nothing after she walked away. How this was probably the last chance she ever had to ask why she deserved it.

To ask what she ever did to Elsa to deserve this.

But by now, Anna didn't want to know. Knowing she was that bad really was bad enough. The specifics would be the last straw now.

It was easier to accept that it was just her – all of her – as she should have done all along. Maybe if she did while they were still alive….

No. This was why Anna had to retreat now. Retreat without ever knowing why. Without ever knowing what was wrong with her. Without ever getting the chance to do better, or be better. Without ever getting the chance to be a good girl again.

Without ever getting to prove how sorry she was for everything. Without any hope of being forgiven. Without getting to be anything other than….._Anna_.

"I'm sorry I'm me."

She left Elsa's door before she could be tempted to come back. She made herself leave before she asked herself – or anyone else – that same question one more time.

It paid off, as Anna never asked herself that question again.

Until she asked it to the entire kingdom three years later.

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And now Anna finally had her answer.

Elsa told her the whole story. The parts she didn't know, the parts she couldn't remember, and everything in between.

Everything that told Anna it was never her fault. As if Elsa didn't say it enough.

For a moment, Anna almost agreed with her.

All that wasted time apart. All that time Anna thought it was her fault. All that time she thought she did something to deserve it, when she was the one who almost died. All those times Elsa could have told her – _trusted _her – or said just _one _word to make her feel accepted and loved.

13 years of doubting herself, hating herself and begging anything for forgiveness. All because of _her._ When something else – _anything _else – would have made it so much better.

Everything happened so fast during the Great Freeze and Thaw, Anna didn't have any time to be angry, betrayed or bitter. Not towards Elsa, anyway. Now she felt like she'd make up for it at any moment.

A moment like now, for instance.

After all this time thinking she did something so horrible, it would be so nice to call out Elsa for _actually _doing it. So overdue.

She ignored the fact that if she felt this way earlier, she might not have sacrificed herself for Elsa. Or that it might not have worked if she did.

But after 13 years of pain that she _didn't _bring on herself, Anna felt….justified in her anger now. If there was ever a time to feel that, this was it.

It would feel so good to finally feel something other than sadness, guilt, shame, deluded love, delusional happiness and emptiness, just _once_. And it did.

Until Anna really looked at Elsa.

She sat on the edge of Anna's bed, practically hugging herself, like she did at the ball and the ice palace. But Anna was so focused on so many other things back then. It dawned on her that for all the times she saw Elsa in distress lately….this was the first time she really _saw _her like this.

Or maybe at all.

Anna's little study was interrupted when she felt the floor getting cold. When Elsa realized how cold the room was, she breathed heavily and seemed to will herself not to run away. She forced herself to look at Anna, who was taken aback and didn't know what to do.

This was why anger was so easy and simple.

But it got complicated again when Anna saw the frost melt from the floor. She looked back up at Elsa, now realizing what she had to do – and who she had to look at – to thaw the room. Yet Elsa looked far from thawed herself.

Nothing was freezing or snowing, but Elsa still looked so ashamed of herself. So guilt ridden and small. So afraid to face Anna and everything she'd done, then and now.

Elsa didn't look like the Queen of Arendelle – snow, ice or otherwise. She didn't look like a big sister, the model of perfection, an emotionless royal, or anything else Anna once believed she was.

Elsa looked….

…..she looked just like Anna.

Every feeling of inadequacy, inferiority, loneliness, regret, shame and punishment Anna ever felt….she saw it in Elsa right now.

And it looked 20 times worse.

Because it _was._

"All these years….I thought it was all my fault. I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know how I could make it right. I wanted to be _good enough _again. It killed me that I didn't know why I wasn't," Anna confessed, to someone other than herself for the first time.

But it killed Elsa even worse. "Anna…." she said so brokenly.

She reached her arm out to Anna, but stopped halfway through. Anna could tell she didn't want to, but some kind of….instinct seemed to make her stop. One that told her she couldn't touch people.

That she shouldn't get to.

"But you knew," Anna continued. "You knew what went wrong. You lived with it every day. Every time I came to the door…." she realized. "But….no one forgave you. Or….you didn't forgive yourself," she worked out.

For the first time in 13 years, Anna saw everything with clarity. One fact most of all.

"I am such an idiot."

Well, that wasn't the only fact. It was the only one she could speak without bursting into tears, though. And Elsa was already close to them herself.

That wouldn't do anymore.

For all the times Anna cried over the past in her room, she now knew Elsa did it worse. She _knew _she heard sad noises behind that door those four times!

For all the times Anna missed her best friend, she now knew Elsa missed her's more.

For all the times Anna thought she was being punished, Elsa punished herself 50 times over.

For all the times Anna wanted to be forgiven and loved again despite her mistakes, Elsa gave up on thinking she could – or _should _– want the same.

Anna wanted to know everything – and neither she, Elsa nor anyone else let Elsa forget. Or be forgiven.

But at long last, Anna knew something now.

She knew enough to reach over and gently take Elsa's hand, not pull it. She knew to slowly inch towards her on the bed, giving Elsa time to adjust and get comfortable. And when Elsa stayed still, Anna still knew enough to bring her into her arms gently.

This was unlike any hug Anna gave before. It didn't squeeze anyone's lungs out, there wasn't any jumping around or giggling, and there was gentleness to it. Strangely enough, it was the kind of hug Anna wanted for 13 years.

Complete with the words, "I forgive you."

But the only word Anna got in return was, "No…."

However, Anna had more words than that for Elsa.

For so long, Anna dreamed of being told these words. Dreamed of her own unknown sins being forgiven. Dreamed of how she'd want her own wounds healed.

But if _any _of this was meant to be, Anna now knew she was not meant to hear those words. They were always meant for her to say to another.

If there was any good purpose to Anna's isolation….it had to be so she could be capable of saying these words to Elsa. To someone who _needed _them.

"You're not a bad person. You're a good person who messed up. But I know how deeply sorry you are. I'm gonna help you make it right, I promise," Anna vowed, trying to sound as soothing with these words as she always dreamed Mama, Papa or Elsa would.

"I'm so sorry I ever let you think something was wrong with you. But I'm gonna prove you wrong no matter what. I'm gonna be there for you, and I'm gonna forgive you if you screw up again, and you won't make up for it alone. And I'll never let you feel like you deserve to be locked away again. I promise."

Surprisingly, Anna didn't need to change a word to fit this for Elsa. Even though everything else was so different.

But one thing never had been.

"I love you," Anna told her. "You're not gonna go one more day without feeling loved. _That _I promise."

When Elsa stopped breathing and keeping sobs back long enough, she managed to say, "Then neither will you."

There was a time Anna would have agreed with the implication behind that. About a few minutes ago, probably. But that was a few minutes ago.

"I _was_ loved every day. Wasn't I?" she began to accept. "I just didn't know it. I didn't….recognize how."

Before that led her down another thoughtless rabbit hole, Anna shook her head and remembered, "No, this isn't about me. It was never about me."

"It was _always _about you," Elsa whispered into Anna's shoulder.

"Then that ends now," Anna vowed, letting go of Elsa to hold her by the shoulders, so she could see and hear her.

"You're not putting yourself behind me or anyone anymore, okay?" Anna asked. "You're not gonna be miserable because of what someone else thinks of you. Or how you think they see you. You saw things so wrong for so long. But we know better now."

"We do?" Elsa questioned.

"We're going to. _You _are, anyway," Anna stressed. "You're gonna see yourself as wonderful as I see you. You're gonna see you're more than just your royal title. People are gonna put _your _needs above their own, for once! And you're gonna accept that….people can care about you and love you for _every part _of who you are. Even the parts you think are….wrong and out of place and shameful! You're done being ashamed, period!"

"I don't know how that works," Elsa admitted. "I don't know the first thing about that kind of love. Not….from anyone other than you."

"I don't either," Anna confessed. "But I'll do everything I can until you do. Just answer one thing first."

"What else could I answer now?" Elsa wondered.

"What did I ever do to you?" Anna asked. Yet she asked it with a kidding smile. She figured joking about such a traumatic question – and making light of the last devastating time she asked it – would be the perfect comedic ice breaker.

But it seemed she was back to being dead wrong. When Elsa didn't laugh, Anna sighed and prepared to apologize, until she heard her answer.

"You loved me."

Anna never imagined that answer in all these years. But that could apply to every answer she got in these last several days. This one was weirder than most, though – which said something.

"You gave me the only pure love I had for 13 years," Elsa clarified. "And I let you think it was all….."

"I told you, it doesn't matter anymore," Anna said, despite not saying it in those words before. "And you're wrong. I _love _you. Not _loved, love. _I still do, and I never stopped. And I thought you were better at word stuff than me."

"I wonder why," Elsa failed at her own bit of mockery. Yet she recovered and seriously said, "And you're wrong too, by the way."

"I knew that. You'll need to be more specific," Anna tried to joke – but again, Elsa wasn't laughing.

"You never had to apologize. Because there's only one thing I've been thankful for, in my whole life. One thing I will never let you feel sorry for again," Elsa vowed. "The only thing I've never been sorry for, every day…..is that you're _you_."

When Anna realized where she got that from, she almost couldn't breathe. "You heard me when…." she started. She didn't need to finish, though. She couldn't anyway.

"Yeah," Elsa admitted. "But you're never going to say those words, or think them about yourself, ever again. If I do nothing else, I'm making sure you finally believe that."

How could someone believe so little about themselves – and still have so much of it for someone else?

If Anna was anyone other than Anna, or Elsa was anyone other than Elsa, Anna wouldn't know why. Yet she still asked, "Will you please believe it first?"

Yet she knew Elsa couldn't truthfully promise it. Neither could Anna, really. Not now.

"I'm sorry, Elsa."

Anna wanted to tell her that face to face for 13 years. She wanted Elsa to take her in her arms, feel how sorry she was and at least consider forgiving her. Even if she didn't know what she was apologizing for.

But even if she knew or didn't know, she would do anything to make sure she never did it again. She would want Elsa to understand that, help her be better and teach her how to be that good enough, for her and everyone.

Now at long last, it was all finally happening. Down to the hug, the crying into Elsa's arms, the apology, Anna's uncertainty over what she was apologizing for, and the vow that she would never let it get that bad again.

It was funny how getting what she always wanted included so much she never expected, though. So many….mirror images. Unfair mirror images, really.

Even if Elsa thought the exact same thing – only moreso.

_That _was what Anna ever did to her.

But as Anna got the hug and forgiveness she used to long for, she promised herself and Elsa that she would only do one thing to her – to anyone – from now on.

Be someone who stopped anyone else from suffering the way she thought she had. The way Elsa _actually _had.

Even after she could believe Elsa's claim that she always was that person.

But she did agree she always would be now. It was a fair compromise for starters.

**THE END**


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